Late Night Dissects Alan Dershowitz’s Unimpeachable Logic


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During the impeachment trial, a lawyer for President Trump, Alan Dershowitz, has argued that Trump was acting in the public interest in regard to his Ukraine pressure campaign, telling senators, “If a president does something which he believes will help him get elected, in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment.” Seth Meyers, among other late-night hosts, took a closer look at Dershowitz’s reasoning, eventually arriving at the conclusion that it was “absolutely insane.”

“By that logic, Trump could shut down airports under the pretense of high winds any time one of his Democratic challengers had a flight, which would affect everyone but Bernie, who likely has a backup mule.” — SETH MEYERS

“He’s basically saying Trump could just do whatever he wants, by saying that his re-election is in our best interest. By that logic, he could start eating bald eagles for breakfast and he’d say, ‘I have to. I need my strength for the campaign trail!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

This week, Senate Democrats pushed for witnesses to be admitted in the impeachment trial, with the Republican opposition scrambling to come up with arguments as to why that would be a bad idea.

“Trump’s lawyers keep threatening that if Democrats call their witnesses, Trump will have the right to call his witnesses, too. Which, right — yeah. That’s how trials work! That’s like if the 49ers threatened to send out their special teams: ‘You kick off, I swear to God we will try to run it back!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And the other big argument is that if they open it up to witnesses, the trial could go on for months and prevent the Senate from getting business done. As if they’ve done any business. Blockbuster Video has done more business than the Senate in the last three years.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And Trump shouldn’t tolerate this — he needs to go down to the border and teach these walls how to handle the wind. Because if there’s one thing Trump knows, it’s how to dodge a draft.” — TREVOR NOAH

“And I know they said this is only because that specific part of the wall wasn’t finished being built yet, but that’s still on Trump. He would have known that this could happen, but he never finished reading ‘The Three Little Pigs.’” — TREVOR NOAH

Tom Brady, Joey Bosa, Todd Gurley and Clay Matthews are just a few players who participated in an all-N.F.L. edition of Kimmel’s Mean Tweets.


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